strange existence somewhere between two islands

i now live with just these two weirdos:



JC is fun. Wandered off around Hoboken after chilling with two of the neighbors upstairs (2 mgsa dance students, imagine that). Mag picked up some Australian dude who works for the BBC on the PATH along the way--good for her. New city, new people.

Back at Hartwell now and it's just not home with its weird transition stage, smatterings of belongings, none of which belong to me. Mom and Mike are returning with the truck in the AM to take the rest of the crap to the apartment. I'm far from having anything resembling regrets, but how strange to be at home but not at home. It was time to move on.


hartwell to wayne st.

i'm looking forward to the change.




come and visit!!!

indignant

Missed the last train home.
Birds pass by to tell me that I'm not alone.

Well I'm pushing myself to finish this part,
I can handle a lot,
But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes.
In your eyes

Have you seen this film?
It reminds me of wandering through the avenues.

Washing my hands of attachments yeah,
I can land on the ground,
but one thing I'm missing is in your eyes.
In your eyes.


...

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good bye hartwell
---------------------------------

have fun in japan jialeou! i'll miss you

i can't think of anything else.

is it over yet

Painting white walls white for three hours.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

see you tuesday

A
B
C+
A
A

I'm graduating.

cosmology. like i care.

things i've done today instead of studying for cosmology:

- worked on manderinorange.com/mgsa
- looked for a job
- begged for a job
- went to 7-11
- friend counseled in the sun
- smoked too many cigarettes
- met the press
- filled out a rental application
- mailed for my paychecks
- called and blabbed to maria for an hour and a half about how we both don't have money
- wrote this entry

as of june 1, maggie, lynn, and i will be residing at 455 Wayne Street, Jersey City, NJ--so long as the applications and signings go through all right.

things aren't fine. I hate to say this at this time of the year--graduation set in about a week on the 15th of May, set to move out of Hartwell and New Brunswick by the 31st of May, supposedly becoming a real person--but they're not. I am broke, in debt, do not have a job as of yet, and I am not sure if I'm graduating for sure or not next Tuesday. I keep on refreshing the site, waiting for the last few exam grades to appear, but i'm really just torturing myself rather than making any progress. The truth--which i will confide in this and whoever actually passes over this blog--is there's a frighteningly good chance I didn't pass that exam last Thursday, therefore failing philosophical ideas of science fiction and hence not being able to walk with my class next week. I hate that it had to come down to this. I'm not a bad person nor a bad student really. Sometimes there are just things that are more important. I also have not written my thesis paper as of yet, despite the fact that the rough draft should have been handed in to my professor as of sunday for edits. I'm not a bad writer (do not hold this casual entry against me). I am capable. I actually really want to write my paper, and honestly reflect upon the most important thing I've accomplished this semester: my thesis show. But now I have to go and read 4 chapters about quasars so I can earn my BFA in video and sculpture. Right. I'm bordering on mad, been flirting with a breakdown for the last 3 weeks, but you know it can't happen just yet. Frankly, there just isn't enough time. I missed my sister's birthday party with her husband last Saturday, didn't even RSVP. I'm a jerk. These kinds of things should take precedence. I missed Justin's birthday at ale 'n wich because I was walled up in my studio after work going over the bills for Hartwell that had slipped away. They're fine now but who knows what the hell a credit check is really all about. GODDAMMIT let this be my breakdown. I look as stoic as ever sitting at this terminal at csb, but i've got real problems too. how are you supposed to sum up the efforts of the last four years into something worthwhile, tie it off, and move it to the next stage? It's gonna happen, i'm gonna do it. I just don't want to have to make that phonecall home and tell them not to come next tuesday. Does it really matter? no. but I don't want to have to hear about it. I had wanted to go back to Elsewhere this summer, planned on it all the way up until the 15th of April when I watched the application deadline come and go. There's so much I left open that I feel I need to take care of, but I don't even have the means of getting down there if I tried. Yeah, welcome to being an adult. No shit.
Part of it is I've dedicated the bulk of my time to this political crap that's been going on at MGSA as of late. These were the things I thought were more important.
I HAVEN'T BEEN SPENDING TIME AT HARTWELL AND I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T SEND IN THE PAYMENTS RIGHT AWAY AND I'M SORRY. I MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAYS AND I'M SORRY. I SLEPT THROUGH THAT MEETING THE OTHER WEEK AND I'M SORRY. I HAVEN'T CALLED IN A REALLY LONG TIME AND I'M SORRY. I HAVEN'T MOVED OUT OF MY STUDIO YET. NO, THE PROJECT ISN'T ONLINE YET. I'VE BEEN LATE TO WORK ALMOST ALL OF THE LAST SHIFTS I'VE HAD. YOU HAD A BABY AND I STILL HAVEN'T MET HIM OR CALLED EVEN THOUGH I CARE. I DIDN'T MEET YOU AT 10 AM TO GIVE YOU THE EQUIPMENT. I DIDN'T WRITE YOU BACK EVER AND I'M SORRY. LAST SUMMER HAPPENED AND I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET THAT WALL. I HAVEN'T PAID YOU BACK YET. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A REALLY LONG TIME AND IT'S TEARING MY APART.

WHAT HAVE I DONE

I compiled and burned that dvd for you free of charge 12 hours before it was due. I've been to every other meeting if not that one. I built that goddamn website for this and you and I don't give a shit if the design isn't up to your standards. I haven't slept in a bed in the lat 2 weeks and done nothing personal except breathe in everything else that needed to be done. And I didn't have to do any of it. I sat up and edited that crap for you because you didn't have time to do it and settled for half the pay. I covered all of those shifts for all of you without thinking twice. I've been working my ass off the last 2 weeks, both jobs. I've completed over 140 credits, 114 of the 120 credits that I needed. I finished my thesis project and exhibition. My thesis was designed in order to allow people to find some kind of solace within themselves if that's what they wanted and I will continue to do the process because I feel like it's one of those things that people don't get often enough: a listening ear. I've counseled friends as friends are supposed to do. I've sat up with someone I don't even know that well and listened to them talk out a friend's death and their grief. I've skipped a deadline and sat with a friend for 4 hours at 3 AM talking out their coke addiction. I've listened through panic attacks. I've listened through breakups. I've listened through traumas, arguments, breakdowns.
And you know, if you come to me with a problem I will drop everything and listen to you.

I guess that's the person i'm leaving this institution being.
my education has had near nothing to do with the numbers and grades that might keep me here. Judge me however you want. If you ever call me lazy or say I don't ever care I will kick your ass.
I know i'm of worth. it's just good to finally say it.


and now
back to quasars.